Tag Archives: sarcasm

Burnt by Cold!

The outgoing winters always have a track record of leaving me fumbling with a runny nose or a sore throat. As expected, it happened this time around too. But what happened next was un-thought of earlier. In one of my impulsive phases, I shot a question at a few friends.

The answers left me speechless and also glad that for a change, I caught a cold which didn’t affect my brain. Or did it?

The question was : If I cut my nose, will it help me get rid of my cold?

Person 1 : “You surely won’t be able to breathe.”

  • That sounds like my answer¬†– 90% of the time. But I was in the 10% bucket right now. So that’s not coming from me today, at least.

Person 2 : “I tried to Google it. But I couldn’t find anything concrete.”

This is my favorite answer! From my favorite person! And for you, all I’ll say today is :

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Person 3 : “No. Mad woman!”

  • Okay! I got you. Jeez. Relax. I am not really going to cut my nose off, irrespective of how much I’d like it to be sharper and longer. But, nope, not cutting it off!

Person 4 : “Drink some ginger juice. Steam some water. It’ll help get rid of the cold.”

  • Nah, this one ain’t a doctor. But this one worries about me, sometimes a little too much to get the humour in the question, probably! Just saying. ūüėČ

Person 5 : “You could try it. If it works out, let me know as well. I’ll join the club.”

  • Someone help me out now! It’s important this one joins my club! She is after all, my sister! Yes, the craziness runs in the blood!

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Person 6 : “Definitely!”

  • Surprised, I asked the person another question. “What do I do with the blood?” Yes, there was a response. “Pass it off as pomegranate juice and give it to someone to drink!” Speechless!

What would you say to me? Go ahead, sharpen your wit, improve your humour and answer me.

Graciously Yours!

P.S. : The cold’s gone now. The nose is still there. I wonder if Voldemort is jealous of me. ūüėõ

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FanGirl-ing over Daniel.

I generally don’t do mid week posts. And certainly not early morning mid week posts! But here’s one thanks to Daniel Fernandes; and my roommate who rushed around the house waking up probably every soul in the building while she tried to not miss her morning flight from the airport 72 kms away!

Why I hate Fawad Khan – Daniel Fernandes Stand-Up Comedy

So Daniel Fernandes hates Fawad Khan. Quick update for all those who are lost. Well, Daniel Fernandes is a stand up comedian I admire because his genre of comedy does not necessarily involve literal below the belt material or undertones and overtones so harsh and vile that they need to categorised as adult material. Fawad Khan is a Pakistani actor who is the latest but not the last butt of Pakistan hatemongers residing in India. So why does this deserve a post, you ask?

Because :
1. I was¬†surprised to read the title of the video. I didn’t think Daniel¬†would¬†actually say this. Considering it is a pretty baseless thing to say.¬†Because¬†Fawad is an actor by profession who acts to earn his livelihood and is nowhere involved in the policies and decision making of Pakistan and India not¬†coming¬†to a peaceful resolution to the 69 year old enmity.
2. I was too sleepy to remember that Daniel has a classy sense of humour that has enough sarcasm to make my day! Every day.

Now that we are at the point where we are being smart rather than liberal, I have a confession to make! Remember the chai wala who became famous and then landed a modeling contract? The same one Daniel is talking about.

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I didn’t like the pictures from his modelling¬†assignment. The first picture was rustic, reflected what he is and showed such an honesty in his eyes. The one from the¬†modeling¬†assignment? Well, it just looks so made up, which it actually is. I am not saying he doesn’t¬†deserve¬†a¬†modeling¬†assignment, but is that all we can give him? Is the equation¬†forever¬†going to be so simple? Every good looking person should be handed a¬†modeling¬†or film¬†assignment. Will their looks always overpower the values that define them, the stories they’ve lived through, the love they spread,¬†the depth of their thoughts, the reason for their existence?

There are so many arguments Daniel has sarcastically and directly slipped in to his act, that I could write half a dozen blog posts on them! And maybe I will. But that’s for another morning. Not this.

I’ll leave you to do your thinking. You have a brain. Be smart, not liberal.
I think. Therefore, I am.

Graciously Yours!

11 outta 10!

Scene 1.

A mother-daughter duo peacefully watching a Tom Cruise film. He’s just started to run.

Mother gets a call. Daughter gets to hear only one side of the conversation.

Mother : Hello ji. Salutations!

Mother : All well, yes!

Mother : Oh! No, not really.

Mother’s tone is now changing. On the screen, Tom Cruise is running faster!

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Mother : Of course!

Mother gives daughter a look. Daughter knows this look. A storm is approaching.

Mother : It’s not a problem at all!

Mother : See you! Buh-bye!

Tom Cruise is still running. The man needs to learn when to stop! Mother pauses his film. Cruise is cruising in the air.

Scene 2.

Half an hour has passed. Mother is in the kitchen. Daughter is cleaning up the place. Guests are coming over for lunch, having self-invited themselves! Time to refurbish the house!

Daughter looks around the hall. Pleased with herself at having cleaned up early.

Daughter : Mom, it’s done! I’ve cleaned up the place.

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Mother (peeks out of the kitchen) : What’s done? Fluff those cushions. Put your shoes back in the rack. I still see things on the dining table! Why is your mobile on charge? And will you shut off the music! It’s getting on my nerves!

Flabbergasted Daughter : Umm, Mom? I’ll go out in an hour, remember. Why put the shoes back then? And the things on the dining table? They’re called cutlery. In which you’ll serve them food. But if you want, I can get banana leaves! And my mobile is on charge because it is very normal to charge mobiles! Like we stay here, remember? And Kishore Kumar is getting on your nerves?

Mother (barely audible over a running grinder) : You’re not going anywhere. Not when ¬†I have guests over! And do what I ask you to do!

Daughter (sighing in exasperation) : Of course, I am not going anywhere now. Time to shut you down today, Cruise. Mom’s not going to be watching you save the world today. She’s too busy going bonkers.

Mother : Will you get me the vegetables from the refrigerator?

Daughter (laptop, speakers, mobile, chargers all under her arms) : Well, if you’d asked me to, then I would. But you never did.

Mother : Keep these devices away. And get me the vegetables now!

Daughter : Yes, Madam!

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Mother : And hurry up!

Scene 3.

The guests have arrived. Lunch has been had. Now is the wait. The wait for them to leave.

Guest 1 : The food was so good! How did you manage to make it so soon?

Mother : Oh nothing of the sort. I was as it is planning on making something special for lunch today.

Daughter (thinking to herself) : If only they knew that the lunch special was two minutes of maggi!

Guest 2 : Then we should come over more often!

Mother and daughter look at each other and then smile at the guests.

Mother : Why not!

Daughter : Why? Umm, not.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how worked up is your mother when guests are to arrive? Mine is 11! ūüėČ

Graciously Yours!

P.S. : Any similarity to actual events or persons, living or dead, is NOT coincidental. Any character and event depicted here is NOT fictitious. Similarity to actual events or persons, living or dead, is NOT coincidental.

 

In Other News.

We’ve known for a while that journalism hasn’t really been improving it’s standards but today I will not be blaming them.

In other news, that’s what the world was up to. In other words, that’s what was trending!

Pokemon Go РBecause Candy Crush outlived its fifteen seconds of fame!

Every second person I know, whether gaming freaks or not, whether or not they know that there are 151 Pokemons, whether they can say the names of even ten or not, they will be playing the latest app rage that is Pokemon Go!

USA has more Pokemon Go downloads than Tinder. Pokemon Go has more Google search than porn (which is good, actually! But, is it?) Pokemon Go walks are being organised. And memes are already in place!

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Pubic Hair Dress – sometimes things get a little too hairy to be waxed.

Yes, because clothes are passe! Who wants fabric to cover their body when they can get hair? And that too pubic hair! Dream come true *sarcasm*

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I wonder how the lady in the picture agreed to wear that remarkable piece of imagination.

And by the way, when I first read this piece of news I gagged on nothing but my own saliva! And eating? Eating food was a long way off while trying to recover from the shock! Just saying. You might want to give yourself time.

Oh and what’s on the top of your head? Oh, just some hair! Too soon? ūüėČ

Ramdev Baba – India’s brand ambassdor for Yoga, NOT!

You taught us Yoga? Good. You taught us different ways to breathe? Good. You got into our homes at 5 in the morning to give life advices? Good. You entered politics? Whatever. You tried to ban Maggi? #LifeIsACircle!¬† You started selling hair oil to flour to noodles? Don’t give a dime of thought to you. But then you went ahead and did this :

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Need I even say any thing?

Huma Mobin – the lady who rocked her ‘honeymoon’. Alone!

Meet Huma, a lady who had to go on a vacation without her husband and she came back with pictures that broke the internet! She brought Pakistan into the news and for once the world was smiling! Thank you, Ma’am! ūüôā

Also, she went to Greece. Thank you for helping Greek tourism. They can do with whatever they get.

Signing off,

Graciously Yours!

Nepal Quake Aftershocks.

25th April, 2015 : The day man-made aftershocks won over natural aftershocks.

Two back to back tremors in Calcutta around noon today brought us all out of our buildings onto the roads. For a while, we were all dazed and then after necessary precautions went back to work.

I spent the next hour calling and texting people to ensure they were safe.

Then I came home and checked the news and read all I could about possible aftermaths of the quake.

After a long day, when I finally surfed through social media, I realized I had missed out on the most important task to be done after such an incident!

I forgot to update my Facebook status about how, why, where, when I felt and survived the quake! I forgot to share my survival strategies. I forgot to tell people via my Instagram account how the Calcutta skies looked pre and post storm today.

I realized I wasn’t cool enough like this guy who updated his status as “Feeling tremors. Earthquake?”. He¬†was asked by a friend as to why he was updating his Facebook¬†status instead of running down towards safety. His reply? “I am too lazy to run down 10 floors.” He should thank his stars the tremors felt in Calcutta were not destructive enough. Or else his laziness would have made him pay the final price.¬†Very, very cool. I could never¬†be him, try as much as I may.

Oh and do you know it’s also ‘Happy Earthquake Day’? Another status informed me this. People around me are so intelligent! I wonder where they get their brains from.

These are just two gems out of the countless sparkling stones lying around!

I had so many things to do. And instead all I did was feel gut-wrenchingly sad about all those people who lost their lives, saw their lives fall apart within seconds, are still trying to locate their loved ones, have been stranded and are waiting for help, are looking for the gleam of hope through the mount of rubble, are seeing the might¬†of the Earth first hand. Where’s the¬†proof that I did feel this? Where’s the evidence on the internet about it? I guess this is my evidence.

I did it. I did what all of us so calmly do these days. I just reduced the loss of countless lives to a few dozens of words.

Graciously Yours!

P.S. : How will our souls ever rest in peace?