Tag Archives: funny

A Funny 2018. (As yet)

The new year has begun quite rigorously, asking long working hours, immense mental push to meet deadlines and lack of proper sleep due to a cold that doesn’t seem to be in the mood to be jolly and just saunter off anytime soon. So the news is my resort to humour on such days. Hope you too find the below snippets (mostly from the past two days) hilarious enough to shake off the oncoming Monday morning blues.

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In a world where most of the words spewed while describing humanity these days are intolerance and violence, this peaceful and definitely not frustration free method is fool proof to ensure lesser repeat offenders. Good job, Germans. You’re NOT repeating history.
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Ouch! Not for the man who, due to maybe a folly of mixing wrong foods together, could not control the movements of his bowel. But I uttered an ouch for that FBI agent who would have to prepare the documents for this case and ask *awkward* questions to our ‘suspect’ in concern. This one can’t be fun! Any FBI agent around who’d throw light on the case file?
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What is wrong with those thieves? How drunk were they? They drank the vodka and left that filthy looking *my apologies*, shiny and quite heavy bottle at a building site? I wonder why. ūüėõ And how drunk was the bar owner that they got such a bottle made in the first place?

 

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This isn’t funny. It really isn’t. But it still is! I can’t stop laughing. Not that I do not wish well for anyone who might have inadvertently been injured or faced losses during this accident. But I want to see Kim’s face when he’d been delivered this news! Blistering Barnacles, Captain Haddock would have uttered!

BONUS!

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Is this man FOR REAL?!

Graciously Yours!

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#NationWantsToKnow?

There are some days when life does not make sense.

Then there are more days when your manager does not make sense.

Then come a lot of days when the news does not make sense. Picking up a few of those gems!

What say you? Are you prepared to ruin your good day? Well, or maybe brighten up a bad day? ūüėõ

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Despacito = slowly!

Like the article mentions “Despacito is a song in Spanish about slow love making.” Translated lyrics here. For so many of us Indians and also non Indians out there who think sex is and should remain a taboo, here goes. The song you so love to jive and hum, blabber words you don’t even know the meaning of and think that Spanish is only spoken in Spain, wake up! Life just dealt you a joker. Now what will you do with it?

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Mr. VP – I would wonder about the why rather than the what.

Okay, call me demeaning, if you want. But if this would have happened at a Railway Station washroom, I’d go all, ‘Maybe there have been worrisome incidents in there and there’s a context that isn’t being reported.” But if you tell me that a Church had to take such a step for women’s safety, then well, I’ll return in a while with my argument after laughing my guts out. The Church also needs to be worried about women’s safety in their premises now? Or is this an excuse for men to now make us more worried than we already are about our safety so that they can have a good, authorised peep show. Wonder if the CCTV footage reviewers also have to take the vow of celibacy.

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So I understand we’re going all digital and laptop usage is at an all time high. Yeah, well, you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure that bit out. But what I am left wondering is why is Cambridge scrapping exams due to bad handwriting? We could have done this with the thought of saving paper, contributing towards cutting lesser trees, maybe slow down global warming or at least be happy about having done something to slow it down, even though it seems inevitable now. But no, we’re scrapping it because the handwriting is illegible? How thick brained are we really?

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Yes, that is an iPhone screenshot. Not owned by Yours Truly. Duh.

Oh, yes! News of the week. The iPhone 8 got launched. The iPhone 8S too. And the iPhoneX too. Poor iPhone 8 and 8S. They became obsolete within two minutes of their launch! Need I say more?

Then this happened. Bewakoof.com which when translated in English means foolish, lived up to their name for the first time. They launched a tShirtX. You shouldn’t think so out of the box also. Too much of anything is bad!

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Living up to thy name!

And with that I’ll end my tirade and only ask one thing – does the nation really want to know these news? #NationWantsToKnow.

Graciously Yours!

P.S. : What have you come across of recent that you want to rant against? Tell me. Maybe we think alike!

11 outta 10!

Scene 1.

A mother-daughter duo peacefully watching a Tom Cruise film. He’s just started to run.

Mother gets a call. Daughter gets to hear only one side of the conversation.

Mother : Hello ji. Salutations!

Mother : All well, yes!

Mother : Oh! No, not really.

Mother’s tone is now changing. On the screen, Tom Cruise is running faster!

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Mother : Of course!

Mother gives daughter a look. Daughter knows this look. A storm is approaching.

Mother : It’s not a problem at all!

Mother : See you! Buh-bye!

Tom Cruise is still running. The man needs to learn when to stop! Mother pauses his film. Cruise is cruising in the air.

Scene 2.

Half an hour has passed. Mother is in the kitchen. Daughter is cleaning up the place. Guests are coming over for lunch, having self-invited themselves! Time to refurbish the house!

Daughter looks around the hall. Pleased with herself at having cleaned up early.

Daughter : Mom, it’s done! I’ve cleaned up the place.

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Mother (peeks out of the kitchen) : What’s done? Fluff those cushions. Put your shoes back in the rack. I still see things on the dining table! Why is your mobile on charge? And will you shut off the music! It’s getting on my nerves!

Flabbergasted Daughter : Umm, Mom? I’ll go out in an hour, remember. Why put the shoes back then? And the things on the dining table? They’re called cutlery. In which you’ll serve them food. But if you want, I can get banana leaves! And my mobile is on charge because it is very normal to charge mobiles! Like we stay here, remember? And Kishore Kumar is getting on your nerves?

Mother (barely audible over a running grinder) : You’re not going anywhere. Not when ¬†I have guests over! And do what I ask you to do!

Daughter (sighing in exasperation) : Of course, I am not going anywhere now. Time to shut you down today, Cruise. Mom’s not going to be watching you save the world today. She’s too busy going bonkers.

Mother : Will you get me the vegetables from the refrigerator?

Daughter (laptop, speakers, mobile, chargers all under her arms) : Well, if you’d asked me to, then I would. But you never did.

Mother : Keep these devices away. And get me the vegetables now!

Daughter : Yes, Madam!

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Mother : And hurry up!

Scene 3.

The guests have arrived. Lunch has been had. Now is the wait. The wait for them to leave.

Guest 1 : The food was so good! How did you manage to make it so soon?

Mother : Oh nothing of the sort. I was as it is planning on making something special for lunch today.

Daughter (thinking to herself) : If only they knew that the lunch special was two minutes of maggi!

Guest 2 : Then we should come over more often!

Mother and daughter look at each other and then smile at the guests.

Mother : Why not!

Daughter : Why? Umm, not.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how worked up is your mother when guests are to arrive? Mine is 11! ūüėČ

Graciously Yours!

P.S. : Any similarity to actual events or persons, living or dead, is NOT coincidental. Any character and event depicted here is NOT fictitious. Similarity to actual events or persons, living or dead, is NOT coincidental.

 

Grabbing eyeballs!

The security check queues at the airport can be long, more so if you’re travelling just at the outset of one of India’s most celebrated festivals, the festival of lights, Diwali; also if you’re travelling from Bengaluru, the second home of most Calcuttans, to Calcutta, obviously their first.

What better way to pass the time than to Sherlock around a bit? Presenting to you a list of the kinds of women we came across in our fifteen minute queuing up experience!

  1. Apparently effortless : These women are my favourite! Combining style with comfort, book in hand, hair tucked behind ears and travelling light! At 7 in the morning, when you see such women moving around like they were made to travel and early mornings at airports are a daily commute for them, you envy them a little. Just a little. Because that’s followed by the thoughts of my room being in a mess due to packing and unpacking every weekend for the past three weeks. Then I settle in my place of grass in peace!
  2. The young moms : Every time I travel, I come across young mothers with their first borns cuddled in their arms, trying to put the babies to sleep, or entertaining them with clucking noises, pointing out interesting looking people, or randomly distracting them from crying! A few lucky moms have such friendly, quiet and smiling babies that their travel turns to be a anecdote filled one, a blessing in disguise!
  3. Oh so prim and propah : These are few and far between but can be spotted from a mile away! We were lucky to land one such sighting. They look like they’ve landed out of a fashion magazine. They behave like they’ve been landed right out of the sky. Some times their expressions are so contorted they look uncomfortable in their own skin! They are prim and proper, mostly rich and extremely out of place in a bunch of commoners. So much so that the one we saw was actually maintaining a hand’s distance from the women in the queue.
  4. The shaded beauties : You’re inside the airport. The sun isn’t at its’ best. The light isn’t too bright for shades to be used. Yet, you do. I wonder why? Are you hungover from last night’s parties? Have you been crying your eyes red? Are you trying to avoid letting people know you’re seeing them? Or are you, oh my God,¬†escaping the world? Take those shades off, for light’s sake!
  5. The casual chic : Me! And many like me! Simple three step process : Get out of bed. Put on clothes. Dab kajal. Brush your hair (and teeth). Done! Okay, I know that’s four steps not three. But whatever. My style. My rules.

Diwali Bonanza Offer!

The queue jumper :¬†Need I say anything about them? Except that the one I met yesterday very cunningly¬†crossed over the ropes to go join the next line when the guard wasn’t looking. She saved all of two minutes! And earned a lot of angry glances.

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What does the men’s queue look like? Any takers who’d care to elaborate? ūüėČ

Graciously Yours!

 

Picture Courtesy : Colorbox

Ideas in collaboration with : Sakshi Malhotra!

Life Notes #10.

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Among the few worldly possessions I own, these are a few stones that I have. Actually they are more like pebbles from river beds. I’ll leave you guessing how I ever even laid my hands on them!

I took them out after a really long time today. A friend suggested an idea which I turned down initially but later seemed appealing to me in my boredom. The idea was primitive! Literally. Could we start a fire with these stones?

I tried it obviously. Under parental guidance! The only guidance my mother had was “Please keep the stones away from your face.”

I tried. I struck the pebbles hard and fast against each other. I was eagerly waiting for¬†a¬†spark to ignite! I’m sure if you looked into my eyes then, you could have seen the sparks of excitement! Well, turns out they were the only sparks.

You know how long I tried? I tried for almost four times the attention span of average humans. I tried for 30 whole seconds.

Well it’s not my fault that¬†humans on an average have an attention span of eight seconds now. We’re down from twelve¬†seconds in 2000. Even¬†a goldfish has an¬†attention span¬†of¬†nine seconds¬†average, a full one second more than ours! Yes, that teeny weeny goldfish which has a teenier weenier brain weighing 0.097 grams (Average human brain weighs¬†1.5 kilogram).

Note to self : Primitive life wouldn’t suit me. I think¬†that the primitive man/woman who first started the fire by striking the stones for,¬†apparently, a very, very long time was more angry than bored! Boredom suits me. Anger¬†doesn’t. I’m happier without pebble fire!

Graciously Yours!

P.S. : How long would it really have taken to ignite a spark though? Anyone knows? Or is it all up to Google again?

Cosmetics for the Moon?

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By 2050 :

Mirror, Mirror on the wall!

Who’s the fairest of them all?

The Moon!


Once upon a time, on a full moon night, somewhere in the West, someone may have spent a night like this :

Husband (relaxing after a long day of work in his balcony) : I love how peaceful the night is. Look at the full moon. It is heavenly!

His peace was interrupted by the sound of breaking glass! He hurriedly got up from his seat.

Wife (peeking out of the window from her bedside) : And there goes another bulb from your basketball court.

Husband : How many times will I have to tell your boy to aim for the basket and not for the lights?

Wife : Change the bulb for him tomorrow please. And he’s your son too!

Flopping back on his armchair, he looked up at the sky in exasperation.

Husband (to the moon) : If only you had been a little brighter, I wouldn’t have to keep changing bulbs then!

And that is when the idea hit him!

Husband : What if we made the moon brighter? What more would our company have to do to prove we indeed are the best in the business?

Meanwhile, here in India, on the same night, the moon smiled down as a young man was being agonized by his girlfriend to fish for the right kind of compliment. The Bollywood-romance stricken, Chetan Bhagat-Ravinder Singh avid reader, was barely wading through.

Boyfriend : Baby, you are so beautiful!

Girlfriend : Don’t you have anything new to say?

Boyfriend (clutching at any straws he could find!) : You’re as beautiful as the full moon!

Girlfriend (looking up at the sky) : The moon? This moon? The moon has black spots! Just look at it. I can’t believe you think I have bad skin. I use Fair And Lovely every day.

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She walks off in a huff.

Boyfriend (hassled) : I wish someone gave a Fair And Lovely to the moon too!

Realizing she wasn’t coming back, he hurried to catch up with her!

Little did he know someone, somewhere was planning to do just that!

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Jokes aside, here’s what a Swedish cosmetics company has proposed to achieve, if all goes well :

A Sweden-based cosmetics company has proposed a bizarre new method to eliminate the need for streetlights – brighten the surface of the Moon.
The idea is to use materials already on the Moon to lighten its surface. The goal is to reflect slightly more sunlight onto Earth, making the night sky brighter, according to the company’s think-tank Foreo Institute.
A brighter night sky would mean less need for streetlights, which could potentially translate to less electricity usage and thus fewer globe-warming carbon emissions, it said.

“Making the Moon brighter is not something I’ve ever heard of in the geoengineering literature,” said Ben Kravitz, a postdoctoral researcher in the atmospheric sciences and global change division of Pacific Northwest National Laboratory.

Foreo’s claims to have raised USD 52 million for research and testing and a timeline on the company’s website says its first Moon mission is slated for 2020 with new rovers deploying every three years.

Foreo suggests the brightening effect would happen gradually over 30 years, allowing humans and animals time to adjust.

What do you have to say about it? ūüėČ

Graciously Yours!

P.S. : Regardless to say, I do not intend to harm anyone’s sentiments scientifically or cosmetically!

Calcutta Cabbies #1.

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I was running late. And I had to cab the shortest fare distance to make it on time! And I knew I didn’t have smaller notes.

All three combined in Calcutta? You know it’s not a good start to the day!

Frantically searching for a cab, I saw a lot of occupied cabs going my way! First empty cab I saw was taken by another female.

I was already past my time.

Another cab rounded the corner and the available cab driver eagerly awaited my destination. On informing him about it, he immediately agreed. Afraid, he wouldn’t have change, I asked him before sitting in the cab if he would be able to encash my 100 rupee note against the smaller fare which was likely to be due. He agreed again!

A cabbie on the streets of Calcutta smiling and answering my questions? And all answers in my favour? I was dumbstruck! He must have sensed my excitement. I sat in the cab. He started driving away.

Cabbie (jovially!) : You’ll have to pay me double.

Me (laughing) : What for?

Cabbie : I am taking you across for such a short distance. I am also going to give you the change you need. A mere 25 bucks extra won’t pinch much!

Me : Actually you should be charging less considering I am taking you very near to one of the most religious places in the city! Wouldn’t you want to take the blessings of the Lord and also pick up some passengers? Double benefit!

Cabbie : If that be the case, then I won’t charge a penny from you.

Me (shocked at his polite and humorous demeanor!) : I won’t get down from the cab until you won’t take what is due to you.

Cabbie (still driving and I noticed from the shortest route available!) : How will 25 bucks extra matter to you? These days at every celebration, parents double the price of the kid’s phone. I am just asking for double cab fare.

Me : My parents aren’t like that. They need all details of every spending I make. (Though I don’t remember when either parent did that, but then I had to defend my parents somehow. Simply, because they are not like that.)

Cabbie : Tell your father tonight you met an old uncle who agreed to drive you around and you paid him extra.

As I approached my destination, he asked me particularly where I wanted to be dropped off because he didn’t want me¬†to walk even a bit in the Sun, which as I now recall, was very harsh!

After a bit of friendly haggling, and ten bucks extra later, I made my way with his good luck and my smile!

Yes, I paid him more than his fare, but I don’t regret it! I think his people skills deserve that at the least!

Graciously Yours!

P.S. : The whole conversation happened in Hindi and a little Bengali here and there! To make things simpler, English has been used as the medium of expression.

Cheers to life! Again.

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Dear biker,

Thank you for ramming into me yesterday. You put my life into perspective again. Of late I’d started giving more leeway into my life to people who probably didn’t want it. The heart wants what the heart wants after all. I had started forgetting it was my life and no one deserved more attention than me.

Thank you for reminding me how precious life is and how granted we take it at times! Checklists start remaining unchecked, dreams get postponed, relations are assumed to remain good forever and change is detested.

Thank you for giving me the chance to make amends before it was too late to to only regret. You need something as strong as that moment for the fact to dawn upon you that some things have to be accepted as they are. For your own betterment.

Thank you for changing your bike tyres regularly and oiling your brakes well!

Thank you for being a good biker and letting me get off with  the least bruises possible!

Still sane enough to find positives from the negatives,

Graciously Yours!

P.S. : Mother, if you were to ever know about this, don’t scream at me please! That may be the reason why you didn’t know this in the first place ūüėõ

Life Notes #8.

First things first. Apologies for not having written for so long!

Now, let’s come to the point.¬†There’s this place in Calcutta¬†called burrabazaar (literal translation : Big Market). See, how we do it? No need to be creative or¬†rack your brains to think of a good name! We also have New Market and A.C. Market! That’s for another post! So this burrabazaar is a market where you can find everything from clothes, accessories, footwear, food, household appliances, craft¬†supplies, electricals, et al! Name it and you’ll get it. It’s like Target under not one roof. It’s spread over countless small shops and roadside stalls and single moving vendors. You see it also has its own Wiki page in case you want to know more.

And considering there’s a wedding coming up, it’s sort of customary for us to visit the market at least once, irrespective of whether we¬†actually buy anything or not. For this visit it was my turn with Mother.¬†The younger one¬†sneaked out of it for her own good. Going there after four long years, I’d forgotten the fight I would have to put up just to avoid falling in those open drains, moving handcarts and freshly dug up tunnels in the middle of roads! This is what I mean when I¬†say road by the way :

These roads are a burrabazaar speciality!

My Mother is a wonder! She sneaks into the smallest of spaces available and just serenades her way out of the human maze to get to exactly where she wants in that maze of roads lined with a more complicated maze of shops! And I am something like this :

I need to catch up with Mother!!! (Or I am going to be so lost!)

Leaving aside the fact that the shopping spree was successful for Mother at least, I also realized that there are times when your phone camera will just not give you what you want. Every time I tried standing and clicking a picture for you people to see, the crowd¬†around seemed to just get me moving again! You see, you just don’t stand, loiter or window shop there! ¬†You keep moving!

This is what I came up with. I know I am a better photographer than what these pictures portray!

That would have been a dug up trench if I'd stood my ground for another second!
That would have been a dug up trench if I’d stood my ground for another second!
Get me out!!!
Get me out!!!
Shoes off in saree shops!
Shoes off in saree shops!

And now I gotta go because I need to go shopping again! Dear brother, please get married soon!

Note to self : Next time, if there is a next, keep your elbows to your chest, cell phone safely tucked in your pocket, and march ahead with head held high! And stop staring at those colourful trinkets on sales and bags hanging overhead. You’ll hopefully not¬†get lost then! (Doesn’t mean I got lost this time.)

Graciously Yours!