Jilebis.

— Looking for feedback. All are welcome. —

As I stood by the small sweet shop in one of the eat streets of the city, waves of hot air hit me from the stove lit ahead, as the heavy late night air settled around me. It was a hot night. The rains had been distant for two days now. It was not humid but it wasn’t cold either. Not the weather which would have been appropriate for steaming, sizzling jalebis but then you can’t say no to the piping hot, deliciously sweetened, freshly fried orange spiral pretzels. Seems more like a sweat shop, than a sweet shop, I thought, seeing beads of sweat run down the forehead of the man, as he poured out the batter from the cone over the boiling oil in concentric motions. The smell of sugar syrup rumbled my stomach. This is more than just the smell of sugar, I figured, a little puzzled.

Smell of butter melting onto hot pans wafted from across the street. I looked around to see my friend standing at one of the shops there. I tried calling out to him to catch his attention. He was fidgeting with his phone. My voice drowned in the clamour of the street vendors displaying their balloons, scarves, fidget spinners, the vehicles trying to honk their way through a mass of people. No one seemed to make way, all lost in the aroma of food, savouring the spices which hit the tongue in spots you’d forgotten existed. You know food porn exists when you see people eating while clicking pictures here, I thought, smiling to myself. I whipped out my phone and texted my friend, One of whatever you’re ordering for me too. He looked up at me almost instantaneously and gave a thumbs up before turning to the man manning the counter there to place a re-order. I made use of my phone and clicked a couple of pictures meanwhile, of the sizzling and now hissing jalebis as they turned crispy enough to savour, of the people lined up by parked cars, bikes, among the moving vehicles, paper plates and disposable glasses of various juices, shakes and tea in their hands, The ten feet wide alley was wide awake as well as sleepy – the upstairs of the residential buildings lined up on both sides seemed to have slept for the night, lights out in most of them.

“Madam, your jilebis,” he said, handing over my guilty pleasure to me. I took the plate and handed him the money. Foodgasm, here I come, I thought, rushing over to my friend across the street, the oncoming cyclist ignored.

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Graciously Yours!

P.S. : I am trying to work on my descriptive writing and if you think this is at least decent enough to garner a comment, let me know. I would love feedback, good or bad.

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6 thoughts on “Jilebis.”

  1. What I love most about your writing is also the thing of which you must be wary. My ear is tuned to American English. Your use of English falls upon it like disjointed poetry. Sometimes it echoes your culture and is absolutely magical. Every once in a while it feels a little clumsy. I honestly think when it sounds awkward is when you, the writer, are working at it too hard. You have a natural style and a natural vision that can feel effortless. When I read this, there were sparks of magic, but before I got to the end I thought “She’s working at making this descriptive. It’s a project. And she’s losing her balance by trying so hard.”

    Exercises are great, but your best writing just flows without effort from the things you need to say. Still…this has bits of magic. Well done.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank​ you! Appreciate your kind words and also the not so kind ones. 😉

      I’m working on making the writing seem as effortless as possible. You’ll see the change sooner than later! Hopefully.

      Like

  2. I think this i a big improvement in your writing Adi! There’s some great moments here and you evoke much of the atmosphere of the jilabi dokans. This I know because my mouth was watering with the memories of my favourite nasta being prepared on my side of Bengal! Your style is improving well. I slightly disagree with Catjenkins11 in that I don’t think this feels like you’re working too hard. In the real world of writing it is usually the writing which seems effortless and natural which has taken the most work to craft by the author. The best parts here I can tell are those you have been working on, and it was worth the effort 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Ken! This really means a lot. I realised while going through your crits that descriptive writing needs to be worked upon because the imagery isn’t getting created that smoothly. I seem to be doing it well in parts but not constantly. Anyway, I’ll keep working on it and hopefully next week you’ll get something to read again. 🙂
      Sorry for the delay!

      Liked by 1 person

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