He loves me.
He loves me not.
Do that ever?
I took the harder way out. Decided to put my heart on my sleeves. Go all out and confess my love to my crush! Well, nearly confess.
In a series of truths and dares, (oh yeah, we spoke regularly.) he asked me once who’s the one person I’d like to know more. And after a series of swerves and cuts, I landed up telling him he’s the one whom I would like to know more. And that I would really like to spend more time with him. And something of that sort. Without mentioning the L-word.
He seemed shocked, surprised, awed, glad and then reminded me that it was past 2:30 in the morning and I had a long day at office tomorrow! Seeing logic in what he said, I went off to sleep smiling before I could reprimand myself for what I’d done!
But reprimand I did, later. Because the next day it seemed like nothing had happened! I checked and rechecked my phone logs to see if I’d dreamt it up. Apparently, not.
Disappointed in him and a little in me too, I started cutting off contact with him little by little. Not that he seemed to mind. I remember telling one of my guy friends (let us call him The Guy Friend) about the whole episode. I let the entire grief come out along with a quantum of questions about whether he’s too good to have accepted me. At which, I was addressed with such unbelievably disgusted looks from The Guy Friend for having even doubted myself for a second over a guy who didn’t know what he had lost out on!
That day onward, I was okay with the fact that I’d not wasted any more time with the guy! Yet, every time we met whether at the common friend’s party, office night out (where he completely bowled me over with his killer dance moves again! Yes, I have a weak spot for men who can dance well and look good doing it!) or just the occasional bumping into each other at our internship, I rued what we could have had.
Until I moved on. My father suffered a cerebral stroke on the last day of 2013. All of a sudden he couldn’t talk anymore. And for me it was a major blow. The one guy I turned to was The Guy Friend. For two whole months he was always just a call away! He came to meet me several times at such short notices, supported me, made me see the positives, brought the much needed smile to my face. He was like my phantom boyfriend! Always by my side. Yet never took away my space! It was not his place to be. I was not his responsibility to be shouldered. I had no claims over him. Yet he stood beside me. Says to me it was his duty as a friend to make sure I survived this. (And survive, I will. My dad hasn’t recovered fully. But The Guy Friend knows I am ready to walk, and he stands on the sidelines watching me with pride on his face.) Probably made me realize why I need to value the ones I have, rather than rue over the ones who didn’t want me. I had forgotten all about my crush. My mind had become immune to my pleasures for those couple of months. All I did was keep studying for my impending finals and taking care of the family. I eased out once things began to look less bleak and more bright.
A week before my birthday, my crush pinged me on Whatsapp (once in a full moon sorts!) with one of those “Choose the description best suited for me” sorts.
And the second option was “I once had a crush on you”. I didn’t even look further. Just told him : The second option and the key word is ‘had’. That is exactly how I actually felt then. And he seemed stunned and tried to recall when it had happened and why I never told him and all that sort of thing. I just couldn’t believe what he was typing! I reminded him of the night and I think it dawned on him a year later that I really meant what I had said that night! Disgusted at the turn of events I refrained from talking much to him.
When I told The Guy Friend he laughed mercilessly at my expense and even told me to beware of being wooed by him!
And then came my birthday. And he never called. And I didn’t care. Until.
At 11:45 P.M., he called. Played the Happy Birthday tune for me on his keyboard and didn’t keep the phone till well past midnight because he wanted to be last person to wish me!
And I have no idea what to make of it.
P.S. : I still haven’t told The Guy Friend about it, lest he comes up with something I don’t want to hear.